As a parent, your natural instinct is to always try and protect your children from any emotional pain or suffering. This parental urge can be difficult to balance, especially when you yourself are struggling emotionally with the recent changes happening in your life. It is important to be honest and upfront with your children, as talking about subjects such as dementia, life, and loss with your children can help to open up the conversation and feelings.

You may be thinking ‘when is the right time to tell the children that a family member will likely die from this illness?’. Unfortunately, there is no right time and this will greatly differ for every family. However, there is one certainty and that is that children of all ages benefit from being prepared in advance for the death of a loved one.

How can children benefit from knowing?

Although undoubtedly it will be a difficult conversation to have, your child, in the long run, will benefit greatly because it:

  • It fosters an environment that encourages open and honest communication
  • Children are able to receive factual information
  • Leaves less opportunity for children to get imaginative
  • t enables children to process and make sense of the physical changes that is happening to the person who is unwell
  • Creates an opportunity for the ill family member to play a role in preparing the children for the possibility of their death
  • Allows for extra support systems such as school counselors to be put into place
  • Children have the benefit of grieving with the adults in their lives, instead of alone
  • It enables children the chance to say goodbye in a way that they feel comfortable and appropriate for them.

Why withholding information can be detrimental

Your child is most likely able to sense when information is being withheld from them, which can result in them creating situations and worrying more. Hearing the news directly from you rather than overhearing conversations is much more beneficial for your children. In fact, children benefit from learning such news directly from close family members they trust.

As a parent you are not able to control the flow of information outside of the family, therefore, it can be difficult to stop others from mentioning the news to your child. There is a trust issue as well. If children discover that their parents or guardians knew about a loved one’s impending death but intentionally didn’t tell them, they may have difficulty trusting their caregivers in the future. This creates additional challenges in the children’s grief process.

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Why withholding information can be detrimental

This can be a hard decision to make, especially when you are having to share the heartbreaking news with your children. Timing plays an important part in your children’s grieving process, although the right time will always be hard to determine. It is completely normal to never feel like there is a perfect time.

However, there are some strategies that families just like yourself have found beneficial, these include:

  • Ask your children to describe what they already know about the situation, you may be surprised at how much they already know. 
  • Reassure your child that talking about death does not increase the chance of death occurring. Some children believe that they are responsible for good and bad outcomes.
  • It can be beneficial to ask children how much information they would want to know. Do they want a summary or full-on details? Each child will need different amounts of information and this will vary depending on age. 
  • Create an environment where children feel comfortable asking questions. It is important to make sure you answer questions honestly.

An honest and open environment

When parents choose not to inform children of impending death in the family, they usually have the best of intentions. Often, they are just trying to protect their children from emotional pain. It is common to feel that it may make things worse if your child is upset, but it is important to remember that it is best to prepare children for life’s hardships and the impending passing of a family member.

At Willow Grange, we understand that children need to be involved in the process and we actively encourage children to visit the home and spend meaningful time with their loved ones. Our fully trained and compassionate end-of-life team is on hand to provide families with the support and guidance they need at this difficult time.

To find out more information or to speak to one of our friendly team members, please get in touch.